“Lemon drops in shot glasses and whiskey and gingers… prosecco on patios and warm thimbles of gluhwein… grey goose that pours until I start to sing…. These are a few of my favourite things… “


I am not afraid to admit that #alcohol is definitely one of my most favourite things on this planet… nor am I humble enough to deny that my updated version of the lyrics to “My Favourite Things” by Rogers and Hammerstein are anything less than stellar…  Clearly… God must know what he is doing… having me born two generations too late and about six rungs on the social class ladder too low to influence the moral writings of the Sound of Music…

There a numerous perks to #singledom, but one of the greatest of the all, it the ability to accept invitations.  Social networking, gatherings of minds, a celebratory get together… the list of events are endless and opportunity for socialization abounds.  It is all very exciting.  It is with total honesty that I can confess that my acceptance of an invitation to one or all of the above listed events, is based solely on my anticipation and enthusiasm for what alcohol is going to be involved.  There is, no other one thing that can accompany you to any occasion as well as #alcohol can!  Sparkling champagne to bring in a New Year… an ice cold Corona with lime after a relaxing float down the river…  lager, chili and football… red wine after snowboarding on a Sunday… sake with sushi… margaritas poolside… double rye and Coke any time at all… Baileys on Christmas Eve… Sangria with barbeque… Guinness at the pub as Fall turns to Winter… a Caesar with Eggs Benedict, a little hair of the dog… Sidebar: I am totally joking… I cannot stomach food on a hangover… it would be just the Caesar… A bottle of Pinot Noir from the local LCBO to take the edge off a hard day attempting to be an adult in the real world…. As you can see #alcohol is the best kind of date… it gets you to where you need to be, without lip, never argues with you until the next morning… and loves you as long as you love it… Perfection.

125265-111What can I say… I love my drinks… Sidebar: Also puppies and LandRovers just so I don’t seem completely shallow…  Of course I know that alcohol is bad, that drugs are harmful and that both are going to be the end of the world as we know it one day.  All of that dramatic pandering aside… I still have zero problem chugging back legal intoxicants to heightened levels of inebriation until I spend the next day praying to the porcelain Gods while trying to piece together an evening that is murky at best… I would honestly think I had a problem… if all my friends weren’t doing it too… (This is sound thinking at its best).

In today’s day and age… survival is all about choosing whatever will get you through the day.  Of course… I could probably up my street cred and sex appeal by choosing a more “rock n roll” type substance… But I have been there and done that and while I have experimented with edgier options… #alcohol remains the drug of choice.  Weed is out the window because I am just a laughing, paranoid, dirt bag when stoned… MDMA turns me into a circus side show where everyone around me feels the need to “safely contain the situation” (that is a direct quote in regards to my behaviour… le sigh) … and I have never, ever done cocaine because a) it scares me, b) everyone I know who does coke is a fucking asshole and c) nasal cavity corrosion…. Sidebar: who wants a drug that makes them MORE ALERT?… doesn’t that defeat the escapism purpose of recreational drug use?

In a very “the glass is half full” kind of way… the silver lining is that I live in a world 125265-250where excessive #alcohol consumption is embraced.  Yeah!  Sidebar: Or perhaps I socialize in really boozy circles… As I have recently stopped dabbling in #coupledup life and have embraced once again my beloved #singledom… my experience of late has been this; even though your family and friends recognize that as part of the self-loathing process after any break up, you will form an unhealthy attachment to intoxicants, which will become a detriment to your health and possible future relationships… they still get offended if you ask for water when they are serving wine… In fact, I cannot think of a single social interaction whereby it would be acceptable for me to reject the offer of #alcohol… Consequently, I spend most of my time lazily regaling hilarious tales of amusing misdemeanours, before that final double rye and ginger tips me over the edge and I incite an argument with a stranger… the town whore… or get into an almost fist fight with a guy with no teeth because he is drooling and making awkward eye contact…

And so we arrive at the big problem with #alcohol.  It forces someone who is slightly addicted to it to fluctuate between fabulous and horrific, depending on the time of day and the quantity of #alcohol consumed.  This is not a healthy emotional continuum on which to conduct a relationship, which I have discovered after a year and a half of intensely high drama..

125265-80But… what is a girl to do?  There are so many occasions during which #alcohol can give you pleasure, and only three that come to mind with romantic love (hand holding, orgasms, someone to walk to the dog late at night…).  I think, on balance, I would rather an existence of #alcohol induced solitude than one of sobriety, lies and conduct unbecoming an adult….

I am confident that this is not going to make for a happy life in the long run, but at least I will have some outrageous tales to add to my already outrageous memoirs…. Providing I can remember them…

Pass the whiskey please….

Franki Figgs

~All artwork is owned and distributed by Hall Groat II