dream-world-painting-jacek-yerka (14)

Ah summertime! A time for road trippin, lazy afternoons on the beach and adventures that lead nowhere… and this summer has been exceptional for such outings as I have caught the solo bug in my re-found #singledom, and the possible exploits have proved endless. On a rare day off this past week, I travelled avec moi, to Toronto for a leisurely day of window-shopping, soul searching, day dreaming and wandering down memory lane. With its markets, shopping, street traffic, bars, cafes, galleries, old bookstores and brewery district Toronto is definitely an ideal place to loose oneself for a few hours or a day…

Whilst sipping on a pint of Don Valley Bench and noshing on spicy guacamole goodness, I dawned a large sun hat and some dark aviators to set up shop for an afternoon of people watching (a resume worthy talent if done right… and one of my most noteworthy skills next to verbally tearing down fremies, avoiding ex-boyfriends, and obsessively watching Car Pool Karaoke). About an hour into my solo… yet absolutely perfect patio mission… I spied three rather handsomely dapper gentlemen, parked in lounge chairs, conversing in drunken booming voices. Even as people began to “take notice”, they appeared completely unbothered by the fact that every word could be overheard, and so I have taken that arrogance as carte blanche to reproduce their conversation verbatim, right here:

Dapper Man #1: “Ha! I can’t believe it! Does your girlfriend know you have a wife?”

Dapper Man #2: “Yes, of course. It is an open relationship, she does her thing and I do mine.”

Insert loud drunk laughter and guffawing here….

Dapper Man #3: “The real question is, does your wife know you have a girlfriend?”

Dapper Man #2: “Hell no… are you crazy?! Have you met my wife?!”

Dapper Man #1: “Ya guy, besides… they have kids… should would kill him.”

All three dapper men are now laughing like dapper assholes. I roll my eyes behind my aviators and tilt my sun hat down in disgust. Suddenly, Dapper Asshat #2 catches my disgusted resting bitch face at it’s best…

Dapper Asshat#2 (the married one for those of you that have trouble following along) “Hello beautiful.”

Despite the fact that I could have sarcastically slammed down judgment on Asshat #2 and tower_of_subconsiousnessboth of his asshat friends, especially given my stance on all things “cheaty”, I decided instead, (surprisingly) not to take the moral high ground. My reasoning is twofold. One, I am trying to be #morelikejesus (don’t panic my atheist friends who are only my friends because I am an atheist, I will explain) and because flattery really does get you everywhere with me and pulling on the strings of my broken ego worked in his favor… no one had called me beautiful in a very long time. I suppose ultimately I had decided… when you are #single… and when you are me… you are not in any position to take the moral high ground… on anything really…

It has been mentioned in the pages of this blog before, that I am not a nice person. Those of you, who know me in real life, know like a true Gemini I am two-sided. Not two faced. Sidebar: There are days it takes all I have not to say exactly what I think… academic pressures and maturity have helped in this regard but it is still a struggle. I am however very two sided. Both my ying and my yang are evident in every aspect of my life… it also may be why I struggle with romantic relationships despite being absolutely adorable…  There is my academic humanitarian side which knows loyalty, compassion, and doing everything you can for someone, not because of what you will get in return… but because you have the ability to do it. My moral compass section, that says work hard, try hard, be kind and karma will take care of the rest. Fortunately, this is my dominant side, and it holds reign on me most of my days. However, then there is the side that contains my dark… dark… ruined immortal soul… and it gets the best of me sometimes… and when it does… I do evil things and they thrill me…

There was a time that I was ticketed for a parking infraction and because a little cleavage dream-world-painting-jacek-yerka (10)and my feminine wiles didn’t work on the meter man I screamed at him “go fuck your hat” in the street and then laid death threats down on his family as he walked away unaffected. There was the time I called a nun a “cunt” in an airport, just because. Or how about the night I ‘accidently’ elbowed a bar star in the face because I couldn’t handle one more moment of her tiny black dress, wobbly high heeled, like a deer learning how to walk bullshit. There have been morning that I awake full of guilt because I begin to recollect the evenings insults at strangers and friends alike; like a slow moving movie montage, and as disgusted as I am with myself, I smile smugly at how bitchin my drunken wit truly is. And shamelessly one night I drove to London to sleep with an ex after having no contact with him for more then a year just because I saw that he had posted a new #coupled up Facebook picture and well… fuck him… literally…

Here is one of the tough things about being #single. When we are solo, with have nothing to hide behind… no Instagram shots of happiness… weddings… pregnancies… babies… We are forced to push up against our own morality… to face the beast head on. When you are in a relationship you never worry about these kinds of things. When you are #coupled up it is far easier to feel morally superior. Sidebar: Hitler is a prime example of this notion. He was famously #coupled up with the beautiful Eva Broun, he always took the moral high ground, to his eternal detriment… despite being the world’s most notorious cunt… When you are #coupled up morality is just easy. First of all, #single friends are spinning tales of how they engaged in scandalous and reckless behaviors which, will no doubt seem evil to your narrow conformist mini van majority perspective. Secondly, you have ample reason to mistrust your partner, especially if you are a heterosexual female, because men are dicks… as perfectly demonstrated with the brewery encounter above. I could go on all day, but being condescending is just easier when you are holding your romantic partners hand, there is someone to agree with you, and support the judgment of behavior by looking down your nose.

Accepting how badass I have become in my #singledom has been nothing short of liberating. Weirdly, it has also forced me to become more forgiving of others. I don’t have dream-world-painting-jacek-yerka (20)a higher ground. I am basement level at best and perhaps a little lower on a not so good day. As much as my “humanitarian” side would like to deny it… and tries very hard to… I am no better that the cheating brewery cad and his asshat entourage. Those cheating dapper men have a #Darkside… one I also possess… and without denial, I find myself very… very attracted to it. However, I am learning (the hard way as always), that following that attraction, stepping into the darkness… whilst thrilling… is ultimately a very bad idea. This brings me back to why I am trying to be #morelikejesus… and why I am looking for a man who wants to be #morelikejesus too…

Don’t judge me. I don’t judge you. And I am not talking about the esthetics of a person here… although I have spent a lot of time being incredibly attracted to metro lumberjacks who could pass as a Jesus in a pinch if one had a need a Jesus type emergency… What I am talking about is having Jesus in one’s soul.

The older I get, the further I travel, and the more of the world I embrace, I have come to realize that “goodness” is actually very sexy. Sidebar: Picture a smoking hot, perfectly dressed, lumberjack-esque man who is sometimes drawn to the darkness… but who abstains through choice and sheer willpower…. This is the kind of strength that Jesus was talking about. Of course this deduction on what Jesus was talking about is derived from the handful of #Catholic masses I attended as a child, the bible songs I learned at summer camp in my teens, and that really dark month in 2013 when I hit rock bottom and thought that scripture might be my answer out (could 2.18 billion Christians really be wrong?).

Strength is not about being good all the time. It is not about the pureness of your soul (you are not a dove… a new born kitten or a primary school teacher). It is about being good because the realization that while evil thoughts and deeds are thrilling (oh are they ever), and #BadBoys seem to be the type that excite you to your core… these feelings and moments are fleeting. It is the dawning realization that goodness… being kind… and living a life of forgiveness might make you happier… in the long run.

Obviously, one does not have to completely indulge in the realization of being #morelikejesus. A little bit of malevolence… once or twice a month… is ultimately necessary to keep one grounded. Especially if you are #single… Just like Jesus…

Yours in goodness and evil,

Franki Figgs

~All artwork is owned and distributed by the amazing Jacek Yerka 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements